Preparatory Remarks 

• Spray your face with paint. White face, red mouth. Spray your eyes black.

• Sharpen your knives. Or at least test them out on your foot.

• Try not to step on the floor. Maybe nail your foot to something comfortable, like a stool. Or tape your foot to a big rock.

• Spray mystery fluid when prepping, fixing, cleaning, or to add flavour and emphasis to important remarks.

• Video self for the memories. Your face look good on big screen.

• Soundtrack is your own amazement at the wonders and trials of life. Repeat after me:
  AI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI
  OI YOI YOI YOI YOI YOI YOI YOI
  TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK
  WOW. WOW.

  WOW!!!

  OUCH.

• Life is black. Humour is also black. Dress accordingly.
• Drink.

Congratulations. You are now raving bumbling beast idiot.

Pilgrimage/Procedure

In many countries we like to flavour our liquors with exotic ingredients to add some pizazz. Try these recipes to take a trip around the world, or at least across the performance space. If good drink more whiskey. If not good drink more whiskey.

• Some say vodka is better when flavoured with paint. Spray paint your finger red until it tastes good. (Sometimes it tastes better if you also spray paint your face.) Swirl finger around in a glass of vodka and fellate until satisfied. Crush glass with rock foot.

• Pull out your hair and examine closely. Make sure it’s really good hair. Get excited about it! Soak your hair in vodka and suck it down. Slurp slurp. If you cough it up, don’t worry. It is even more delectable the second time around. Finally, crush glass with rock foot.

• Finger your armpit ’til it tickles. Maybe there’s a little hole in there. Hook that finger right in and rip your sleeve off. It’s like skinning a fish. Don’t worry about the tailor, you can tape it back on anytime. Soak sleeve in glass of vodka. Stick sleeve in your mouth, sucking out every last drop. Sometimes it helps if you pull the sleeve out bit by bit, wringing it out with your teeth. Mmmm. Crush your vodka glass with your rock foot.

• God is in the details. Find a tiny piece of paper, like a label from a bottle. Float it in some vodka. Pour it out. Eat the paper. Smash thing with other thing.

• Grind a cut apple into a glass of vodka and tip it upside down, letting the liquid drip out slowly. Lick the apple, or better yet, rub it all over your disgusting, paint smeared face. Don’t forget to smash that glass when you’re done.

Feast/Finale

Finally you have arrived at the table. The table makes a good noise that could be defined as a “hellish jangling”. It is a special place. Climb up on it, or stab it with your knife. Pour booze and drip paint on it and rub it all over. Hack the stool off your foot. You can still use it as you move across the room like a grotesque inchworm, grinding glass into the floor as you go along.

It is the end. You may sit at the table now, both feet firmly on the ground. But you can also stand on it, bleeding and gasping, while hacking off a table leg with your big scary knife. Best of all, you can just throw the table across the room. Yes, that would be best.

Lessons?/Conclusions?

It takes a whole lot of work and a lot of smarts to make yourself look like a fool. I am terrified. Good job, Arti!

– stacey ho